Nothing You Ever Write Will Ever Be As Bad As This

And that is why 'I suck at this' is no excuse to stop. Whenever I feel discouraged, I just look out on the sea of shit that is the literary world and think, "Wow, I kick ass by comparison." An easy esteem booster is fan fiction. However, as a connoisseur of crappy fiction, I take much delight in stumbling upon an entirely new incarnation of incompetence.

Having recently returned from an Airplane Adventure, I had the dear fortune of being privy to a great number of titles that can turn your stomach. However, one novel (if you could call it that) grabbed my eyes by the sockets and just wouldn't let go. What you are about to see may cause nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, erectile dysfunction, blindness, diabetes, diabeetus, nympho-mania, Joementum, and the overwhelming desire to have a spike driven through your brain. You have been warned.

Now, bear witness!

BEHOLD:

MAXIMUM RIDE: SAVING THE WORLD AND OTHER EXTEME SPORTS

Did you notice the ambiguous, "...or is it?" on the cover? That is how authors build suspense.

This is how I envision the book came to pass:

Publisher: What we need now is something juvenile. What we need now is something derivative...

Writer: I have some Animorphs fan fiction. Maybe it will work.

Publisher: I don't know...that series didn't have alot of angst. And animals are too pussy. We need something that kids can connect with. Something that can reach the Fall Out Boy generation.

Writer: They're teen runaways hunted by the government.

Publisher: Good! Now, what's the gimmick?

Writer: They have wings, like angels. And they listen to generic mall punk. So, that makes them edgy, because angels are supposed to be all, "I'm a pretty angel durp a durr!" But these guys are all like, "I'm hardcore FUCK YEAH!"

Publisher: This is genius. And, we could also sell a CD of the songs the characters listen too! Kids relate to shit like that.

Writer: That is the best idea ever!

Publisher: I need this series. Get it to me right away.

Writer: Surely master, you have not neglected my payment?

Publisher: Here is a vial of tears milked from a pregnant widow, now get the fuck out of here.

Writer: We thanks you mastah, you is a good mastah you iz.

The existence of this book series is proof that not only is the Anti-Christ real, but that his agents are already deeply embedded in the publishing industry.

Suspiciously, the entire premise sounds like something Joss Whedon would think of...

One more digression (a comment on the book The Raw Shark Texts)

This guy writes exactly how I used to write when I was thirteen. That's not an insult, I just feel it is really ballsy to put something so pretentious and wordy to the asshole eyes of an editor. And to get it published...that is something of a feat. Here is an excerpt for your perusal. I bought the book just to see if he could keep it up for the course of a novel. You can tell he gets tired midway through the story, but I would be tired too after 100 pages of unbridled literary arrogance. The book is actually pretty damn good, and all of this is really just jealously manifesting itself in the form of anger. You'd be mad too if you found someone making bank in a writing style your friends called 'Taking A Shit On a Page And Pretending Its Gold'. Oh well. I guess the lesson to learn from this is: never take a critique from someone that won't write you a check if you change it.

And, on a personal note to all writers everywhere: Italics are for assholes that are too incompetent to establish emphasis through clever sentence structure. If you can't create emphasis without italics, don't. And yes, that goes for vulgarity too. I am a repeat offender on that count, but hey, we are all learning here.