On the precipice of a new era, most feel obligated to look back, reflecting on their arduous journey. I too feel a pang for reflection. But most of these recollections stem not from reality, but are instead churned from a foundry that excretes experience coated in a sugar sweet film of lies. I, however, will not indulge in dereistic diabetes. I will recall naught but the truth. As such, I must put aside my endearing grandiloquence in favor of a much more blunt, vulgar vernacular. For what I have to say can only be said one way:
High School Fucking Sucks
Now, a catalogue of bullshit I will not miss:
Getting my stuff stolen.
Teachers less interested in the subject than I am.
Overachievers that overachieve for no rational reason whatsoever.
People writing "I Suck Cock" on my binder.
14 year-olds with breast implants.
Attendance officials drunk on power.
PE teachers (all of them).
Getting called a faggot by someone I have never seen before.
Getting called nigger.
Getting called chink.
Getting called spic.
Getting called kike.
Getting called dyke.
Getting called bitch.
Getting called any combination of the above (bitch-nigger, fag-kike, etc.)
Getting called a Jew though I am not Jewish, and do not understand why that is an insult.
Getting mocked by people less popular than I am for being a conformist.
Getting mocked by people more popular than me for being different.
Jamba juice on the windshield.
"I Suck Cock" written on the hood.
Girls that act like whores but get offended when you call them on it.
Guys that act like gangstas but get offended when you remind them how rich and white they are.
Black kids that act like gangstas even though their parents moved to the suburbs so they wouldn't have to experience the soul crushing poverty and violence of the ghetto.
People who say "playa" without being ironic.
People who over use the word "laid".
Listening in on a phone conversation and realizing that the guy sitting behind you has an STD, but he doesn't know it and likes to spit on people when they walk under awnings.
Listening to girls discuss how their vaginas wear down with usage.
That mother fucker with an A in the class but can't fucking spell "momentum".
Dumbasses taking AP classes and fucking up the learning curve.
Those cunts that just won't shut up about their jeans.
Conversations about jeans that extend beyond, "they are jeans."
People so psyched about the homecoming dance football prom school event.
Those Christians that make such a big fucking deal about how they pray in school, and how no one can stop them.
Those Muslims that make such a big fucking deal about how they pray in school, and how no one can stop them.
Kids from Iran talking about how awesome Iran is and how shitty America is while the only reason their parents moved here is because Iran is really shitty.
Those fucks that talk about how important the war in Iraq is, but won't enlist because "we all have our part to play, and mine is at home giving our troops the support they need" by working the cushy middle management job his dad gave him down at the office and boning the secretary with a soft spot for young ones.
That guy that talks about how important Christian Values are in this day and age while getting blitzed on the weekends and date raping some chick in the back of his Ford Explorer.
That chick that talks about how empowering it is to dress slutty and suck dicks, then complaining about how no one treats her with respect, even though she dresses slutty and sucks lots of dicks.
That chick that will not shut the fuck up about "baka neko" and thinks everything is totemo KAWAII! Is it? Is it fucking really?
That nerdy girl that decided it was time for an identity change, and that the best way to expedite the process was to get fucked by the whole football team.
That nerdy guy that decided to start wearing contacts, smoking pot, and donning shirts with Gibson Les Pauls emblazoned on the front, then deciding he was too cool to talk to nerds anymore.
Goth kids that rebel and express their identity by wearing the exact same clothes in the exact same shade of black and listening to the exact same music.
Emo kids. You know why.
And finally, I will not miss my parents telling me about how wonderful a time I am supposed to be having.
My Elders (re: arrogant old people on the cusp on death) regaled me with stories of youth and high school, and their deviances as incorrigible whipper snappers.
Fuck that shit.
They were probably the type of people that made high school the never-ending vista of madness that it was.
The institution itself is not demonic. In all its irony, the teachers were one of the things that made high school bearable. Rather, persecution buds in hearts of children.
My hypothesis: Hell is other people. My proof: High School.
There is only one conclusion I can draw as to why humans would create a malicious and arbitrary social hierarchy whose sole purpose is to subjugate people who dare express dissent: Humans are evil little fuckers.
If a goddamn meteor rends the planet, I will take solace in knowing that my death is just one for the billions of supercilious bipeds that made purgatory from paradise.
I'm not religious, but there is something to be said for the parable of Adam and Eve. Even if you give us the world a platter, we will go behind your back and fuck your wife. I know that bitch ate an apple, but I think infidelity gives more credence to the sentiment that humans are ungrateful imps.
I escaped the labyrinth of high school broken and shattered, with but tatters of my sanity still in tow. And I can't help but thank that engine of torment. Its gears and cogs ground me into a cynical husk of a creature, lacerations decorating me with marks of distinctions. I am the monster sown together with the sinews of spite, and my muscles are strung by the threads of malice. The product of all the hate and anguish, the alienation and the subjugation, the sum of a brutal 4 year expanse comprised of paranoia, fear, and dread is something greater than all these morbid parts put together. High school equals hope.
Hope, because I know that no matter what I do, or where I go, or how far I fall, I will never go back. I will never again have to look forward to the horrors of High School.
And that is something to look forward to.