Thursday, August 2, 2007

Shit Time Doesn't Care About

Most people reflect on treasured moments as a way to polish their childhood, to freshen an experience that has long since dulled. People want to remember those good times, because good times are so few and far between. This is not what I'm doing. If anything, I'm polishing a toilet seat, just so I can shit on it all over again.

When I feel uninspired, I partake of the creations of others, to feed and fire my ambition. But sometimes, a stray google search will lead me to one of these filthy memories. This is what I am doing today.

Joss "I wrote Firefly do you remember Firefly?" Whedon has not always been the beloved darling of the nerd world. Yes, he wrote Buffy. Yes, he is all kinds of amazing. But there are two things that caught my eye, both of which fill me with equal amounts of mirth and disdain.

First, Joss Whedon wrote "Alien: Resurrection".

Wow that was a shitty movie. I remember going to the theatre, giddy and excited, thrilled at the idea that Ripley did not really die in that dry ass long film Alien 3, or at least there was some reasonable plot twist for bringing her back. And for the first few minutes, I was embraced by satisfaction. This is actually pretty cool. Ripley is now a badass human alien hybrid. And although the corporation I love to hate is now nothing but plot hole, this whole 'science gone mad' premise is functionally tolerable. I won't be seeing any pulse rifles, but at least I got that darling of the 90s, Winona Ryder. But then, absolutely nothing of interest happens. Its Alien 3 all over again. The characters seem like they could be interesting, and Joss obviously got some inspiration for Firefly from this project. But there is no point of interesting characters in a movie where dialogue is intentionally sparse, to build suspense. But no suspense is built. And as much as I would love to blame it on shoddy directing, I can't. I can see right through the screen to the writers room, and Joss clearly had no idea how to connect the end and the beginning. They just run away from the Aliens. Of course, that is what they are supposed to be doing, but all the situations that are supposed to make the escape compelling fail. And on a personal note (BIG SPOILERS IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE SNAPE FUCKS DUMBLEDORE), how the hell did Winona Ryder get up to the door to open it for Ripley? I get that she is an Android, I know that that is how she survived getting shot and falling to her certain death. But there is no other way to get to the door. The entire reason they were stuck in the situation they were in is because it was the only fucking way to the door, and then Winona just teleports to the other fucking side? That is some bullshit. (SPOILERS OVER I LOVE YOU MOM)

So that sucks mah bawls. The coolest part about the whole thing is that Sigourney hit a three pointer over the shoulder, which is actually pretty fucking cool. In fact that is super goddamn awesome. Rent the thing just for that. No, fuck that shit, you can watch it right here.


Now, the second piece of shame is Titan A.E. As a pubescent mother fucker, I thought the movie was pretty badass. I mean, you had spaceships, you had space, you had spaceships in space, and you had generic 90s pop-punk electro metal, and it was animated. But then I saw it again at a buddies house on a rainy afternoon too cold to go to the beach but too dry to spin in circles crying "FREEDOM!" mid-frolic. He was reticent to play me at Halo because he knew his ass was mine, but I didn't want to play Virtua Fighter because there are only so many times I can get the shit beat out of me by a tiny chinese girl while retaining my heterosexuality. So we watched an old dvd instead. That DVD was Titan A.E. And wow, that is a piece of crap. Like Aliens, it starts out with a world of potential, only to be obliterated by some assholes with a laser cannon (world of potential! I am the Pun master!). It just starts with such adrenaline. All hell breaking loose, poorly rendered CGI blue things attacking Earth, millions of innocents being blown into the vacuum of the cosmos. But then we go to an interstellar truck stop, and Matt Damon dicks around with some hot asian chick played by Drew Barrymore. You know what, back up. Lets see that again: " asian chick played by Drew Barrymore". That's all you need to know about this movie. Sucks mah bawls.

I mean the only thing that could save it would be something awesome. Really awesome. So awesome that nothing could ever compare to how awesome it is. So awesome that it would validate the use of this picture:

Something like Jeneane Garofalo as a giant space kangaroo. Oh wait...

Also, beware Matt Damon's Space Peener.

Joss Whedon must have been thinking of Firefly when he wrote this and Alien, because the whole 'wacky hijinks in space' seems to coincide with the premise.

This was also Don Bluth's last animated film. I would be sad about that, but he probably would've just kept making Fieval spin-offs that became increasingly more perverse until he just goes all out with, "Fieval Goes to Japan and Totally Rapes This Chick". Actually, its kind of tragic that we will never get to see Fieval's sexual assaults in the Land of the Rising Sun. Don Bluth, I will miss you.

All in all, Titan isn't total suckage. Plus, Jeneane Garofalo as Giant Space Kangaroo. Fuck yeah.

Join us some other time when I un-flush the turds of the past for our mutual discontent. See ya then kids!

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