Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Nothing You Ever Write Will Ever Be As Bad As This

And that is why 'I suck at this' is no excuse to stop. Whenever I feel discouraged, I just look out on the sea of shit that is the literary world and think, "Wow, I kick ass by comparison." An easy esteem booster is fan fiction. However, as a connoisseur of crappy fiction, I take much delight in stumbling upon an entirely new incarnation of incompetence.

Having recently returned from an Airplane Adventure, I had the dear fortune of being privy to a great number of titles that can turn your stomach. However, one novel (if you could call it that) grabbed my eyes by the sockets and just wouldn't let go. What you are about to see may cause nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, erectile dysfunction, blindness, diabetes, diabeetus, nympho-mania, Joementum, and the overwhelming desire to have a spike driven through your brain. You have been warned.
Now, bear witness!


Did you notice the ambiguous, "...or is it?" on the cover? That is how authors build suspense.

This is how I envision the book came to pass:

Publisher: What we need now is something juvenile. What we need now is something derivative...

Writer: I have some Animorphs fan fiction. Maybe it will work.

Publisher: I don't know...that series didn't have alot of angst. And animals are too pussy. We need something that kids can connect with. Something that can reach the Fall Out Boy generation.

Writer: They're teen runaways hunted by the government.

Publisher: Good! Now, what's the gimmick?

Writer: They have wings, like angels. And they listen to generic mall punk. So, that makes them edgy, because angels are supposed to be all, "I'm a pretty angel durp a durr!" But these guys are all like, "I'm hardcore FUCK YEAH!"

Publisher: This is genius. And, we could also sell a CD of the songs the characters listen too! Kids relate to shit like that.

Writer: That is the best idea ever!

Publisher: I need this series. Get it to me right away.

Writer: Surely master, you have not neglected my payment?
Publisher: Here is a vial of tears milked from a pregnant widow, now get the fuck out of here.

Writer: We thanks you mastah, you is a good mastah you iz.

The existence of this book series is proof that not only is the Anti-Christ real, but that his agents are already deeply embedded in the publishing industry.

Suspiciously, the entire premise sounds like something Joss Whedon would think of...

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